Sunday, October 12, 2014

Mystery of Homofascist Vikings Solved!

Sorta.

I was sure I had cracked the case. A secretive "Viking" raider had returned from the past to terrorize Christian maidens and confound Canadian news providers such as the CBC and Sun News. My knowledge of Scandinavian psychology, gained during two years of residence in Stockholm, drove me relentlessly to seemingly inevitable conclusions. First, my study of Nordic history, gained from many Swedish museums and boat tours, familiarized me with the fearsome legacy of piracy acquired by our northern neighbors in past centuries. Affirming this line of thought was the crude language employed by the offender -- pirate talk! Now certain of my bearings, I had only to identify a treasure sought by this pirately villain. Indeed, a search on Kickstarter uncovered a handsome trove of doubloons and, what's more, our evasive quarry's curriculum vitae. Scratch the pirate idea -- he's just a poor schlep with cabin fever who's spent too much time in the wilderness and too little time around womenfolk. I hope his pursuers have a heart and take pity on him. He needs therapy, not jail time.

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